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Tuesday, November 19, 2002
Days 55: doing everything for two

Elisa is eating for two. She is sleeping for two. She is walking for two.

Never mind the baby is the size of a raisin. She still needs an extra 35,443 daily calories to satisfy the little guy's piranna-like voracious appetite. If the baby keeps eating at this pace after birth it will wipe us out financially within three weeks (and heck, breast milk is free!). Destitute and pennyless, we could throw the baby into the San Francisco Bay, but he would then wipe out all local wildlife and drive at least five or six species into extinction. There's got to be a law against that.

I think the solution is clear. The baby needs to go on a diet. Now will someone please do me the favor of telling Elisa she needs to eat a little less?

I'm too afraid to ask her myself.

Incidentally, Elisa is starting to show. Either that or it's a new layer of -- well ... insulation. Ha ha! Just joking. I'm pretty certain it's not fat (Elisa, like all women, loves a good fat joke!). She's really starting to get a slight bulge in her abdomen. It was kind of cool when I first noticed it, but now I'm not so sure. I kind of half-expected her gut to start bubbling, like in the movie Alien before the alien spawn erupted through the guy's stomach and eventually ate the rest of the spaceship's crew except for Sigourney Weaver. Alas, our baby has done nothing so dramatic. The bulge doesn't move. It just sits there. It's SO boring.

Good thing Elisa is turning into Big Foot to keep things interesting. Her belly is getting hairy, and she's clearly trying to grow a mustache. The mustache thing is annoying -- I can't grow one to save my life and it's like she's trying to upstage me. She can be such a showoff!

Seriously now, despite Elisa's complaints I still haven't seen her alleged mustache. Of course, she could shave her head and I wouldn't notice. But I have looked and seen no hair on her lip. I think it's just some weird paranoia. I did notice the new belly hair -- barely, but that's because I was staring at her stomach for hours waiting for the baby to emerge victorious, half-eaten intestines in its mouth (which I hear won't happen for at least another month). The hair on her tummy is no big deal. Nothing more than some really prolific peach fuzz.

It's not like a rug or anything.

(And that, my friends, is what a Markos compliment looks like.)


The Baby's tongue is fully formed. So are the external ears. If the baby is a boy, his scrotum will begin to swell. Guys, let me say that again:

His scrotum will begin to swell. For two whole days.

No one said this would be pretty...

by Kos | November 19, 2002 05:41 PM