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Monday, November 18, 2002
Day 54: "Not hungry" means "hungry"

While it's obvious that Elisa is pregnant, part of me still hasn't been able to accept it. The reason is simple: neither the doctor nor midwife have said, "We are 100 percent sure Elisa is pregnant". They said "99.9 percent", which given my rudimentary knowledge of statistics, means something less than a certainty.

It doesn't help that Elisa has avoided the worst pregnancy symptoms like morning sickness. Yeah, she has a bionic nose, and her breasts are now a full cup larger (which is not so much a symptom as a "side benefit"), but it's otherwise difficult to see any outward signs of pregnancy. That should change this Friday when we do the first ultrasound, but until I've embraced this pregnancy only 99.9 percent.

Not that she isn't making my life miserable at times, as pregnant women are wont to do. Just yesterday we engaged in this delightful exchange:

We had just finished watching a movie, and being hungry, I headed over to the local taqueria. I turned to Elisa, "Are you hungry?"


     "You sure?"

     "I'm fine."

So I walked in, ordered myself a burrito, and we headed home. I turned on the TV (South Park), sat back, and ate my delicious burrito. Five minutes later, Elisa walked in, "Where's my burrito?"

I'm not kidding, my heart skipped a beat and my "fight or flight" instinct kicked in.

     "Um. What burrito?"

I could swear time stood still for a fraction of a second as the universe sucked in its collective (and somewhat metaphorical) breath.

Elisa was still good natured, not realizing things were horrible amiss. "My burrito. Is it in the fridge?" She opened the fridge and started poking around.

     "Er, didn't you say you weren't hungry?" Beads of sweat started to form on my brow.

     "Well I wasn't hungry when we left the theater. I'm hungry now."

(Keep in mind that at this point, we had left the theater no more than 15-20 minutes before.)

     "I asked you if you were hungry, you said 'no'. So --"

I paused, desperately seeking the lie that would rescue me from this nightmare, but to no avail --

     "So I didn't buy you a burrito."

Since I am committed to reducing the level of violence in our nation's media, I will sanitize the following to garner a "PG" rating. All references to blood and mangled genitalia are thus omitted. Just rest assured that we had crazy demon Elisa on our hands once again (with horns, pointy tail, and flames shooting out of her eyes).

     "No burrito? Don't you love me and the baby?"

     "Well, you said you weren't hungry..."

     "You should've known I'd get hungry later! I'm pregnant!"

     "But you said you weren't hungry..."

     "It's obvious you DON'T CARE about me or our baby!"

     "But you said you ---"

You get the deal. So, fearing for my life, I gathered my wallet and headed back out to the taqueria. They looked at me funny, "Weren't you just here?" Yeah, yeah, I responded, telling them about the crazy pregnant demon wife back home. One of the employees, I found out, also has a crazy pregnant demon wife back home. We commiserated together. It's tough being an expectant father, but no one gives us props. There's no justice in this world.

I got home, gave her the burrito, and she instantly transformed into wonderful pregnant angelic wife ("I love you so much! I can tell you love me and the baby!"). Call me crazy, but this weirds me out even more. I almost prefer the demon wife.

The flaming eyes are kind of sexy.


It's been a while since we've taken stock of the baby's progress. Since we last checked in, the baby's elbows started to form, while fingers and thumbs are starting to appear. The fingers are webbed -- we are giving birth to Aquaman. The first true bones are starting to appear in the upper arms replacing the cartilage that was originally keeping things in place. This is a great milestone -- the appearance of bones officially marks the end of the embryonic stage of the baby's development. The upper lip is formed, as is the tongue. Taste buds are even starting to form.

If the the baby is a girl, the clitoris is starting to form, from the same tissue that the male penis will form from. There's a joke in there somewhere, but it's escaping me at the moment. The heart is fully formed, though it will obviously grow larger.

The baby's eyes are fully pigmented. He or she still has a tail, but it's getting shorter. The ears are completely developed.

The baby now measures .87-.94 inches (22-24 mm). The amniotic sac is the size of a chicken egg.

by Kos | November 18, 2002 06:49 AM